Isn't That The Beauty of Life Though?
The fight with imposter syndrome and learning to accept one's authentic self.
I’ve considered myself a free spirit for a very long time. A problem with this however is, sometimes a portion of my mind needs to be anchored down for a time but as you can imagine, I find it difficult to do so.
As a child I always said I would work for myself. This led me to being unemployed for 3 years from the years 16-19. Oh, how I wanted to make it on my own! Over time I gave in and got a job but every hour I wasn’t working was dedicated to pursuing my own creative projects.
This independence mindset has followed me all through my life. My creativity comes first before a job that I don’t like or find incredibly unfulfilling.
I recently left a job I was in for nearly 5 years and decided to use all this extra time I had gained to work on my personal projects. However as the weeks passed, imposter syndrome kicked in hard and left me to battle against myself. I am worthy to create… so why don’t I always feel or act like that’s the truth?
Over the weeks I have been questioning who I am and what direction I’m really supposed to be going in.
Am I an early bird or a night owl? Turns out, I’m both.
Am I a writer or an artist? I’m both.
Do I need a schedule or should I just go with the flow? I need both.
How am I supposed to live and understand my process if it and I am so multifaceted?
Isn’t that the beauty of life though?
Who said we were supposed to be defined by categories? That we are supposed to live in a box and be easily defined by whoever sees or comes into contact with us? I don’t even know who they were but I don’t think what they presented has been entirely helpful… at least to myself.
I completely understand how titles and categories help us feel grounded. The string to the helium filled balloon making sure you don’t float away among the clouds. But who knows where you can end up if you just cut the string…
I am a free spirit. Eclectic right to my core. I love bright colours and fun boho/hippie vibes. I also love dark tones and whimsigoth, dark academia aesthetics. Maybe I’m not supposed to chain myself down and force myself to be someone I’m not. Maybe it’s time I accept who I am and go with what I need at that moment.
Some evenings I will stay up super late because my mind is fully charged and creatively aching to be poured out in whatever way it needs to at that time. Other evenings I will be so mentally and emotionally drained that I will sleep early and wake up early, rearing and ready to go!
One day I will want to spray paint the world pink! The next day I will want to add black and dark maroon to everything I see. Does that mean I don’t know what I want to do in life and which direction I want to go in? No, because in the moment, I know. Life isn’t a straight road. It goes up and down. It turns left twice and right once. Most times it feels like you’re going round and round in circles.
It’s not just about the destination. It’s about the growth and experience gained on the journey. Trust yourself. Accept yourself. And grow forward.